It took nearly 55 years, but I’ve finally found a way to make life significantly easier. Actually, I didn’t find it. Our society has given us a way to make our lives much easier by changing the way we deal with friends.
I used to work hard at getting along with my friends. Some of these friends are conservative. Some are liberal. Some are black. Some are white. Some are Catholic. Some are Muslim. Some are Jewish. Some are atheist. Some are earth worshipers. Some support Donald Trump. Some support Bernie Sanders. Some hate all the candidates and refuse to vote. Some are vegan. Some are meat eaters. Some think the best way to address poverty is to fund programs that might fix the issues. Other friends think that government programs can undermine people’s sense of independence and could discourage them from working to get out of poverty.
You get the point. They are all different, and they all have different opinions. This caused no end to trouble. I had to listen to all kinds of viewpoints that I disagreed with. I had to sometimes debate issues, using facts! And then my friends would say that my facts were wrong, and then they’d tell me their facts, which I was sure were wrong. And worst of all, I had to accept these friends for who they were, with all their imperfections.
Thankfully that I recently learned about a great way to solve this issue: I only allow myself to have perfect friends. In fact, according to the news and social media, we are only ALLOWED to have perfect friends now, and we must immediately renounce any of our wrong-minded friends.
This has been a Godsend. If someone doesn’t agree with me on Obamacare, I stopped talking to them, because they obviously are trying to (kill poor people by depriving them of medical care / destroy our country by making us communists). If someone doesn’t agree on my presidential candidate, I stopped talking to them because they clearly (hate women / hate minorities / hate old guys and the young people who support them / hate struggling middle class white Americans / hate Christianity / hate eccentric but somewhat boring people from Ohio / there’s a bunch more but I can’t remember them right now).
It’s not just politics either! (Although that’s a big one.) I have been able to cut loose a bunch of jerks and losers who don’t agree with me on which foods to eat, or drive the wrong car, or have the wrong opinion on global warming, or feel differently than me about hunting (big- and / or regular-sized- game), or like the wrong TV shows, or raise their children differently than I raise mine.
That’s not all! If they’ve ever used an offensive term or held an offensive opinion about a person, based on any criteria that anyone might have (now or in the future)… well, that makes them a bigot and I will not tolerate anyone who wasn’t born perfect and never needed to learn anything in life.
Sometimes my friends would get all worked up about something and say something that hurt my feelings! Well, guess what?! Remember that old saying we boomers used to recite when we were growing up: “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me”? Apparently it has been repealed! So anyone who says anything that insults me or makes me uncomfortable or challenges my world view is O-U-T OUT!
I was so excited about only having perfect friends, I organized a big Perfect People Get-Together so we could create a perfect friend circle.
But when I got there, I wasn’t allowed in.
I’m sure it’s a mix-up. We’ll get it straightened out soon.